Sibling Rivalry

Serban Enache | Dreamstime.com

The Wall Street Journal published a review (03/19/2012) of The Righteous Mind, which describes a research project that examines conflicting moralities. I read it the same day WSJTV host Gwendolyn Bounds called for Twitter comments about sibling rivalry—is  it more damaging in childhood or adulthood? I responded that unresolved sibling rivalry can play out in ugly ways at a parent’s deathbed and suggested adults should make peace before that happens. My remark was broadcast, prompting a friend to ask me for the link to the article. There wasn’t an article, so I’m writing one now.

Regional divides

There are places I travel where I still hear the old saw “Oh, you’re from California, the land of the fruits and the nuts.” That’s the time when my tendency to stereotype fires up on all four burners. If you want to talk about nuts, there are sections of the U.S. where fresh fruits and vegetables don’t appear on any restaurant menus (unless it’s okra disguised as a corn dog).

I get teased for being a fussy foodie. My idea of comfort food is sushi or the perfect dark chocolate sea salt caramel. In my mother-in-law’s hometown comfort comes battered and deep fried.

Thinking about the cheery man who last offered the stale commentary on my state of origin, I took a deep cleansing breath and began to consider what we all could do to cultivate an appreciation for our differences before we jump to ridicule.

1. Relax and enjoy. Sample what another region savors. While I believe a steady diet of carbs will kill me, one hush puppy won’t hurt, and they taste yummy. Okay, I’m more likely to indulge in a hush puppy than you are to sample raw fish. I’ll give you that one.
2. Open your heart. Yes it’s difficult to watch a man dance down the street in a pink tutu, but if you let a slender youth with spiked hair advise you on makeup, you’ll probably learn something.
3. Remember. The divides are legion. Besides regional, we judge cultural, socio-economic and generational differences. Skinny jeans and stilettos may look ridiculous on you (or not), but you have to admit they look darling on your daughter. She’ll figure it out when she starts developing bunions, just like you did. Caveat: If it’s your mom adopting every new fad and she’s in danger in breaking a hip falling off her rollerblades, do stage an intervention. She won’t recover fast.
4. Practice tolerance. I’m mystified how abstainers can get buzzed on soda pop, which I consider should be an illegal substance, then burn me over an innocent glass of Pinot Noir, which should be on the Surgeon General’s list of healthy foods.
5. Embrace change. And if you can’t, at least don’t throw your body in front of the bus unless you have a cause worth dying for.

Extravagance

It is said that you can’t outgive God. Apparently you can’t outspend Him either. God spends our time, money and resources as if they were limitless. Cases in point:

When God took our dear Betty home, He gave no thought to the number of people it would take to fill her shoes.  When the coffee doesn’t get made and the flowers don’t show up on the altar on a Sunday morning, we say “I guess that must be something Betty used to do.”  Now people have to step out of their comfort zones to take over these jobs –it takes teams of people to do what Betty did. Wouldn’t it have been better if God had left Betty in good health so she could have kept on working for us? You have to wonder about God’s economy.

Cheap thrills

I get it.  I get that internet addiction – flirting, sexting, virtual hook-ups – is as much about the thrill of pursuit as it is about sex. Life is stressful and people need their distractions. In the grand scheme it’s trivial, people say.

I listen to the responses to Representative Weiner’s predicament.  An eye-winking press cites a long history of this type of behavior in men who have otherwise been judged as good leaders.

Outraged supporters go a step further to say that if people would just ignore You Tube and all the issues that get us off track, the country would be better off. They believe that issues like the state of marriage and family take us off track when we should be worried about the economy and the environment.   He is doing a good job for his constituents, they say. What he does in the privacy of his own gymnasium is his own business.

But is not private, it is a public display of a complete lack of integrity. Integrity is the steadfast adherence to a moral or ethical code. What belief system or code of behavior does this sneaking around serve?

We have been served well by good men whose public and private lives have survived intense scrutiny. John Adams comes to mind.  We have possibly been served well by scoundrels who have owned up to a long list of bad behavior, but at least they have owned it.  There is some integrity in their "this is me, take it or leave it." stance.  It is consistent. 

There is no integrity in a man who demurs, deflects and defies his party when they ask him to step aside. "I know your deeds, that you are neither hot nor cold," God says in Revelations 3:15,16. "I wish you were either one or the other. So because you are lukewarm -- neither hot nor cold -- I am about to spit you out of my mouth." that is a perfect definition of a man who lacks integrity.

This one man is not my real concern, but the numbers of men who are amusing themselves in this way.  How many marriages break because a husband or wife so distances themselves behind the closed door of internet addiction that they destroy the fragile bonds of intimacy?

Marriage is sustained by meaningful conversation, shoulder-to-shoulder labor and mutual joy. Good government is sustained by meaningful dialog, shoulder-to-shoulder labor and mutual respect.

Internet addiction is not a recreational pastime. By its very nature it consumes large amounts of time and attention and encourages deception. That is time and attention stolen from wives and children. I can’t think that the electorate, whom  offending politicians are sworn to serve, benefit from inconstancy and corruption.

Self-deception

Three experiences compel my attention; watching actors chew on good scripts, reading quotable authors and encountering the wise apostle who can flip you on your ear with the turn of a phrase.
On TV this week Peter, the saavy politician in "The Good Wife" who wandered from his marriage, meets with a black pastor on the advice of his campaign manager. He's out for the black women's vote, freely admitting he has no understanding or interest in a Savior who died for his sins. Meanwhile, back at the office, his good wife Alicia succumbs to tempation, locks lips with her boss, comes to her senses and runs home to sate her lust with her husband.
Noticing the time Peter is spending with the pastor, she asks,
"Are you becoming religious?"
"I don't know," he answers, "I want to change," he says, tapping two fingers to his heart. Then he tells her the pastor wants them to attend church.
"That would be interesting," she says with a decided lack of interest, and heads back to her separate bedroom.
Hold that thought. Then consider a quote from William James on self-deception:
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices."
Back to "The Good Wife." Alicia thinks she is being a good wife because she is trying to avoid temptation. She'd be shocked to think she had used her husband for his body, but been largely uninterested in the state of his soul. What prejudices did she rearrange when she ran home to the arms of her husband and made love without forgiveness? (In the spirit of full disclosure, I need to say that I love both these characters.)
And now to the apostle. Years ago, Paul turned my faith on it's ear when he nailed me for the distance between what I want to do and what I actually do (I do not understand what I do, for what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. Romans 7:15).
One of the painful things about writing is that it requires honesty. What am I not honest about? Today I picked up a book titled "i told me so; self-deception and the christian life" by Gregg A. Ten Elsoff. This should be an adventure!