Sibling Rivalry

Serban Enache | Dreamstime.com

The Wall Street Journal published a review (03/19/2012) of The Righteous Mind, which describes a research project that examines conflicting moralities. I read it the same day WSJTV host Gwendolyn Bounds called for Twitter comments about sibling rivalry—is  it more damaging in childhood or adulthood? I responded that unresolved sibling rivalry can play out in ugly ways at a parent’s deathbed and suggested adults should make peace before that happens. My remark was broadcast, prompting a friend to ask me for the link to the article. There wasn’t an article, so I’m writing one now.

Too many people I know have horror stories about siblings who hold the family trust hostage to revenge a festering hurt or feed a greedy maw.  Of the six moral foundations Jonathan Haidt listed: care, fairness, liberty, loyalty, authority and sanctity, my guess is that fairness is the crumbly pier. A child perceives he’s not getting a fair shake in the family and figures he’ll get his due when it’s time to divvy up the inheritance. Causing pain to the other family members is a bonus.

Of course we know how this story ends. Most often the funds in question are funneled off in legal fees but the angry sibling feels he’s won a moral victory. The score has been set right. Where’s the moral conflict? Revenge and greed are selfish instincts. If they aren’t tempered with a larger concern for peace in the family the damage ripples through generations.

I’m grateful my own story ended differently. One chilly night a few years ago my sister and I sat on stone seats in front of her cottage in Northern Michigan drinking wine, poking at an open pit fire and reminiscing. We recounted every slight we suffered at each other’s hand. The time she dipped my toothbrush in the toilet; the year I made fun of her for wearing the same white blouse to school and eating the same cheese sandwich for lunch every day; the lies we both told to get each other in trouble.  Mom liked her best but Nana liked me best. We talked about that. I finally asked her a question that had perplexed me.

“Did I ever talk to you when I was in high school?” I asked.

“Not a word for four years,” she said.

Not proud of that, but we’re good friends now. We found common ground in adulthood and came to terms with our differences. (She’s sarcastic and I’m a snot.)

The day I showed up in the attorney’s office to execute my mother’s trust the attorney pressed an intercom button and asked his assistant to bring in a sheaf of papers for me to sign. When he inquired about my sister, I explained that I had her full support in whatever decisions I made regarding liquidating the assets and selling our family home. It’s a simple 50/50 split, I told him. He punched the button again and told his assistant to forget the paperwork and just come to the office. When she appeared in the door way he smiled broadly and said these words that I will never forget.

“Look here! We have two sisters who love each other. All that paperwork won’t be necessary.”

Mom would have been proud.