Hello my name is (didn’t catch that, no matter), how are you today? I’m calling from (good grief, his drug plan has a name a paragraph long) to verify (yada yada yada, no breath) this call will take five minutes (still no breath) is now a good time for you to take this call? (Let’s get it over with, yes, YES!) You must answer yes or no to each question, can we get started? (By all means, I mean, YES!)
What follows is painful. The caller repeats the paragraph-long name of the drug plan coupled with the yada yada yada description of the elected coverage at the beginning of each sentence she reads from her script. Her voice is toneless with a passive aggressive subtext: Don’t try to stop me or I’ll start over from the beginning.
I don’t listen to what she is asking me, I just clench my teeth and wait for her to take a breath so I can insert Yes or No into what is blessedly not a conversation.
The only way I can speed this up is by declining her offer to repeat what she just said, (No, I don’t want you to repeat that series of phone numbers I can call if I change my mind and decide to drop his coverage. He’s going to need his coverage when he comes home and I drop kick him down the stairs.)
It’s useless to abuse the caller. I know that from experience – it just prolongs the call. I try to think good thoughts. I’m glad she has employment (that is a very Christian thought, don’t you think?). I hope she has a stiff drink sitting by her telephone. I wish I did. (Okay, that’s not such a Christian thought.)We are partners in this nasty business, fellow sufferers.
I send my angry thoughts in the direction of the person who wrote this #$%@ script and the person who hired him and didn’t test the process on his mother (I bet he ran it by his attorney, though, and got a thumbs up). Strangely, the caller doesn’t ask if I’d like to stay on the line and take a customer satisfaction survey.
I think I would rather be waterboarded than get a call from Humana...I’ll spare you the rest of the paragraph.
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